Ex-it Signs

I have always had a hard time letting go. Letting things go, and letting people go. I have had a very hard time with abandonment, too. Whenever a relationship ends, I usually feel a moment or two of relief, followed by the feeling that I should have tried harder, done more, or even begged and pleaded to keep us together. I am still carrying a torch for my first "boyfriend" from 2nd grade, checking Facebook, Classmates, and Google, trying to find him. I don't think my motivation is to reconnect romantically, but I really hate the idea that I would never see him again. There are so many people in my life who are only there because I would rather be a doormat than an exit sign. There are people who I dread seeing, but keep on a back burner anyway, because if everyone else left, I would need them.
The hardest ones to let go are the ones I can't live with, but who were my best friends before we got "involved". The ones who I can't imagine never seeing again. The ones who my children and extended family got attached to. Especially the ones whose family became my family. When the breakup or divorce happened, I was initially relieved to be out of the relationship, but my heart broke over the loss of [his/her] family.
In the past several years, I have reconnected with several past relationships. It has mostly been just a "Hi! I am so glad to see you! How are you doing? Tell me about your life since the last time we saw each other? It was nice to see you! Goodbye", but some of the connections have moved back into the "friendship" phase. In my heart, I know there was a reason that they have not been in my life for quite a while, but I would rather have them in a little corner of my life than to have to say goodbye again.
Someone once posted a quote on Facebook that said "There is a reason we refer to past relationships as an "Ex". They are the ones who went out the exit door. Focus on the ones who are Entering your life now." I agree that it makes more sense to focus on the present, but it doesn't make it any easier to let go of the past.
In the last 2 or 3 years, I have been trying to live in the moment more. I am trying to keep my past in the past, and to avoid worrying about the future. It is a very good feeling. In fact, I have developed friendships with some really great people because I am no longer worried about them leaving me. I still hope to have them in my life for a long time, but I don't let my fear of the end to cause stress in our relationship now. I am no longer afraid of abandonment (mostly haha). I am just happy to have people in my life right now, today. Whatever happens tomorrow is just a new chapter. I will miss the people who aren't here tomorrow, but can't put them outside my comfort zone today based on the possibility that they will be gone tomorrow.
I have met a wonderful man who has traveled some broken roads on the way into my life. I believe that he would not be here at this moment if he had not taken those roads, and I believe I wouldn't have let him into my life if I hadn't traveled my own broken roads. There is a country song that says, "God Bless the Broken Road That Led Me Straight To You". I feel like that is my new anthem. I can't wait to go through today, and another day, and another day with this man, until the day we either move on to the next life, or until the day that we move on to the next relationship. There are times when the person you are with is just there for a season. They are there to change your life in a way that leads you to the next person, but there are times when a person is meant to be there forever. Either way, I welcome the relationship today.