Do You Call This An Upswing?

Two years ago, when I turned 40, I decided to turn over another leaf and spend the second forty years differently. I vowed to myself that I would never (rarely haha) live in the past, or fear the future. I worked very hard, and it took a lot of practice and a few "slip ups", but I have felt much better in the long run. There have been some tests I went through. Some I failed and some I overcame with no effort at all, but even the failures felt so much less important than they used to.
So, here I am, over two years later, and life just keeps getting better, but sometimes I have a bad day (like when I have a migraine that just won't go away)but the bad days are just one day, not a lifetime of pain, which is what I used to think when I was having 20-25 a month, every month, for over 10 years.
Another big downfall in the past was my inability to grieve in a healthy way. Every time someone died, I went into coma mode. I just shut down for weeks or months at a time, unable to function beyond making sure my children had someone else in charge of them because I just couldn't deal with even the smallest responsibilities such as getting a cup down for my daughter or taking them to school. Ironically, I actually held a job through through most of it. I would go into robot mode, do what had to be done, then come home to collapse into a "trance state" for the rest of the day.
Problem number three is PTSD. I went through physical abuse from age 7 to age 15, and was told over and over that it was my fault. As an adult I was told by my mother that it never happened, and when the abuser confessed to her, she accused me of brain-washing him. After the abuser admitted it and repented (and I forgave him),I thought I had left the fear in the past. Instead, every time I was in a situation where I was powerless to stop any kind of abuse, and the "authority figure" such as a boss or a church leader, didn't save me, I started having nightmares about what happened in my childhood. I would wake up in a cold sweat, unable to go back to sleep, and having to check every door, window or closet.
As the ex-wife of a Satanist, I developed a new fear. I constantly looked over my shoulder, checked every nook or cranny and learned new safety measures. He would copy my key (he took a locksmithing course) and let himself in whenever I left my house. He never took anything or destroyed anything. He usually just left something out of place or left every cabinet open, just so I would know he was there. He terrified me in every way he could think of, short of physical abuse, from the time I met him until the day he went to prison for stealing a car three years ago.
Enough about all that, though. I only bring these things up so you can understand the difference between then and now.
Beginning in August, and ending in October, there have been 7 deaths in my extended family:Blaine Hall-10 Aug, MerriAnn Brower-21 Aug, Cyndy Olsen-2 Sep, Dale Wulf-23 Sep, Ray Tolley-25 Sep, & Tracy Hall-11 Oct). For some people this would just be a little bump in their day because they don't know their extended family well, but these are people I see at least once a year at our reunion, and other family gatherings like weddings and funerals. Just one of these funerals would have put me in bed with grief, but to have that many, in such a short time should have made me completely comatose. Instead, it has been so much easier to handle than in the past. I am sad, I will miss them terribly, and in some cases, like Tracy, I hurt inside for his wife and children, but it hasn't put me down.
Another stresser has been my ex-husband (the Satanist). He has been in prison for three years, but will be out in 13 DAYS!!!! I have a lot of preparing to do. I need to open a PO box because my mail comes to a rural type box that anyone can get into (which means I will need to give my new address to a list of about 100 businesses and people). I need to talk to the local police so they know I am not just a "girl who cries wolf" (I hope to get a "No Trespassing" order from them too). I need to buy more alarms for my doors and windows. The one thing I can't do is protect my house while I am not home. I will have to search the house everytime we come home, and make sure everything important is locked up.
Surprisingly, I am more stressed/upset about the extra precautions I have to take than I am about him being free. I am frustrated that in a tiny little way, he can still control me. I hate that I have to inconvenience myself, driving to the post office instead of walking to the end of my driveway. I hate that I can no longer let my daughter play outside (but it is getting colder, so she wouldn't be going out much anyway). I hate that I have to contact every person who sends me mail or bills to let them know my new address. I hate that I have to start watching for him to follow me home. All of these things put little bumps in my day, but they honestly are just bumps. I can think of them or dwell on them for as long as it takes to do them, then move on. It is a fantastic feeling!!!
It does worry me about the future a little though. Compared to my old self, I am dealing with some of the biggest things that used to drag me down, but I am dealing with them really well. I kinda worry now that I am handling these tough things, God may have to come up with even bigger challenges to help me grow.
I guess I still have a little work to do. I am still in my E.G.O. (edging God out) state of mind a little.