Split Personalities

I have had a lot of bad relationships in my life. There have been people who were not very nice to me, and not very nice to anyone I care about. I am not saying that to seek pity. I am just stating a fact.

Along with those relationships, I have had a lot of really good relationships with people who were good to me, but were not very nice to other people who I love.

Then there are a few people in my lifetime who have been good to me, and to those I love. Those are the "keepers".

I have realized throughout the last few years that the first group are the ones I can let go of the easiest. I can put up with someone abusing me for a long time, out of a skewed sense of forgiveness and "turning the other cheek", but you mess with someone I care about, and I am not so willing to let it happen twice. The few exceptions to that rule have included the father of my children, and my mother. I (used to)let my ex-husband keep hurting us over and over because I (foolishly) thought he had a right to be in his children's lives, no matter how hurtful he was. I keep my mother in my life because....well, because she is my mother.

The third group of people I mentioned will probably always always be in my life, either here or on the other side, so I don't really need to "waste" a lot of time wondering and philosophizing about them. They are who they are and I am comfortable with who they are in my life.

The second group is where it gets sticky, and where I start to feel like I am Sybil, (or I am surrounded by a lot of Sybil's).

The biggest, most important influence in my life (besides my aforementioned mother) were my grandparents. I loved them with all my heart, and could always count on them to love me, feed me, comfort me, clothe me, shelter me, support my hobbies/interests, etc. My grandmother wasn't a "hugger" or a "kisser" or even an "I love you"-er, but I knew she loved me to the core. My grandpa was my best friend. When I was little, he didn't so much hug me as squeeze my belly button out through my spine, he didn't so much kiss me as rub his whiskers all over my cheek, his "I love you" sounded more like "How's my boy today?", and he soothed my hurt knee by punching my arm. As I hit my teens, that changed. His "hugs" became a squeeze of my shoulder, as he walked by, or he would reach out while we were sitting close to just squeeze my hand and wink at me. His kisses were a quick peck on my cheek or forehead, his "I love you" was "I love you, Sis", and he said it often, and I would give anything to hear him call me "Sis" just one more time.

When I was in my early 20s, the same man I just described admitted to committing a crime against other members of my family. Some of the people who he hurt still can't get over it now, 20 years later. I have a hard time liking the man who hurt my family members. I am also a little angry at his wife. She admitted that she was aware that he "might" be doing something wrong.

The problem is that I don't want MY BEST FRIEND to get in trouble, or have a record attached to him, or be judged by that record, but I want THE MAN WHO HURT MY FAMILY to be punished, and for his wife to realize what damage she caused by keeping silent. Hence, the split personality.

My father and I have had a roller coaster type relationship. In my very early childhood, I overheard a conversation that I interpreted to mean that he didn't want me/love me, so I spent half of my childhood trying to make him love me, and the other half trying to prove I didn't need his love. After I had my son, and my ex was out of our lives quite a bit, my father kind of stepped in as a surrogate father/best friend to my son, and my relationship with him got better. UNTIL.....

My father has always been kind of a flirt. My whole life I have been a little embarrassed by him flirting with my classmates, then my younger sister's classmates, then my even younger sister's classmates, etc. until now he has started to hang out with my 20 year old son. They go to the mall, or the college campus, scoping out "2 legged deers", supposedly for my son to ask out, but I am just a little bit uncomfortable with the arrangement.

So as my son's FRIEND, this may be perfectly normal, but as my FATHER or as my son's SURROGATE FATHER/GRANDFATHER, this is just weird. Hence, the split personality.

I have a huge extended family who I see at least once a year. My grandmother had 9 brothers and sisters, and most of their kids and grand kids get together once a year for a reunion, not to mention at least one wedding or funeral in between, so I know my extended family pretty well, and we are very close. Or at least I thought we were.

This past year, I have been let down in a big way. My perception has been shattered. I grew up with 8 "Grandma" Finns and 2 "Grandpa" Finns, in my mind. I really thought that if I was stranded on the side of the road, I could call up any one of them or their kids or grand kids, and they would come to get me just as quickly as if it was my own brother or sister. I thought if I sent a wedding invitation or if someone died, they would all show up. I know every time I have known about a family event, I have shown up, because it was a member of my family.

Some of my "grandparents" and "cousins" were closer to me than others. I rarely called Grandma Betty 'Aunt Betty' because she always lived so close to my "real" grandma and was so closely related, that I called her Grandma Betty most of my life. Aunt Sarah looked so much like my grandma, that when I was little, I would go to her when I couldn't find my grandma, cuz she seemed like a good substitute. Aunt Beth always treated me well, and welcomed me into her home if I was going to be in Utah for some reason, and her daughter's family got me through some of the roughest times in my life. Mary's kids have always been people I could turn to with questions about genealogy or family history or just funny stories around the campfire late at night. But every aunt, uncle, and cousin is important to me, and I love and respect them all. I thought the feeling was mutual.

This last reunion, August 2010, my family was preparing to take over for the next year, and decided to move the reunion from the spot we were having it. I was chosen to be the spokesperson, and when I made the announcement, I was met with resounding BOOOOs. After I had answered (tried to answer) some questions about why and where and etc., then I was surrounded by some of my closest family members, and they were all telling me I COULD NOT move the reunion, in a way that made me feel bullied and basically dismissed as "someone who counted" in the family. In the end, it was decided by other family members (my branch of the family did not get a vote) that our branch would just get skipped, and the next branch would be in charge next year so the rest of the family would be appeased.

Now don't get me wrong, I am all for democracy. If the majority rules, then I am fine with that, as long as it applies to every branch of the family. I just felt like we were left out of the process. So I still love my entire family, extended and immediate, but I am having a little trouble liking "The Finns" as a whole right now. Hence, the split personality.