I refuse to be Rapunzel, even if it is Safe

First of all, I am thinking I should rename this blog "Whinings and Pinings" cuz it isn't really about my family, it is all about me and my gripes. But, hopefully, one of these days I will have a good story to tell and it will balance it out a little.

My whole life I have just wanted to BELONG. In my family there was a birthday girl, a pretty girl, a baby girl, the long awaited first son, the "tough" son, and the baby boy. I was "nobody". In school, I was smart, but not really a "brain". I was a mormon, but not a "molly". I hung out with the partiers, but didn't party. I just didn't really fit into any group. I went to church, but the kids I went to church with were the ones who treated me badly in school, so I didn't really "feel the love" there either.

I have told counselors that my whole life I have pictured a fortress in the middle of a dark forest. Everyone else in the world is inside there, safe and happy, and I am on the outside, in danger. Sometimes, other people get "kicked out" of the fortress for some reason, and they become my only companions for a short while, but they eventually find a way back in the fortress, or move on somewhere else, leaving me alone again. I sometimes get a visit from family and friends who come out to see me, but they always go back in without me. In my scariest moments, I pound on the door of the fortress, begging to be let in, asking what I have done that is so horrible that I have been shut out, but no one ever answers the door.

About 5 years ago, I met a man who didn't get me into that fortress, but he built one for me. While I was with him, I felt more safe than I ever had. He protected me from everyone and everything. No one could get to me while I was living in his "castle".

The only problem was that I was a prisoner of that fortress. He monitored every thing I did or said. He did everything he could to cut me off from friends and family, including my two children. No one could hurt me, but no one could "love" me either. Every gesture from outside the fortress was seen as an attack against our relationship. I finally belonged to someone/something, but I was just that; a possession.

So I chose to go back to what was familiar. I am back in the forest, just outside the fortress where "everyone else" is living. If anyone knows what I can do to get in, please let me know.