Have you ever been sitting in school and heard them page you to come to the office, and even though you know you haven't done anything wrong, you get that sinking feeling in your gut?
Have you ever been cruising down the freeway, with your cruise set at the speed limit, making sure you are using your turn signal while changing lanes, not cutting anyone off, etc., but as soon as you see a police car go by, you immediately check your speedometer, and look in your rear view mirror to see if he is going to do a u-turn?
When the Walmart paging system comes on with a "Code Adam", do you immediately start counting your children to make sure you haven't lost one?
When someone close to you dies, is your first thought, "I am so glad we got to spend last Saturday together", or is it "I should have gone over there last night"?
I ask these things because when I was asked by my bishop whether I felt worthy of attending the temple, I felt the same way I do in those instances. I know I haven't done anything to deserve a visit to the principal's office or a ticket from a policeman. I know losing my child in Walmart doesn't make me a bad mom or that no one can be expected to be with everyone they love every second on the off chance that they might die that day. I also know I don't have to be perfect to be worthy to go to the temple, but it doesn't stop me from feeling like I have done something wrong. When he asked me if I felt worthy, I did a mental check of my spiritual speedometer, even though I knew it was set at "worthy", and just knowing I had to look made me feel unworthy.
My family thinks I should challenge his decision. They think I should go to the Stake President. I just feel like I either believe he is God's mouthpiece, or I don't. Going over his head or questioning his decision is like saying I don't have faith in the very "system" my family wants me to believe in.
It would be very easy for me to just say, "I don't care if I can go to the temple". It would be better for my self worth to take it out of the equation completely. After all, the greatest blessing one can get from the temple is not available to me at this time anyway. I am not sealed to my children, and with no plans to be married in the future, that is not something I ever see happening. They can be sealed to their spouses and children, but there will be a big gap in the chain.
I can go do work for other people who didn't have the chance to be endowed and sealed to their families (if I had a recommend), but no matter how worthy I am to enter the temple, I can't be sealed to my family anyway. It would be so much easier if I just didn't care.
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