Guilty conscience or Human nature? [Background]

I am really struggling with a dilemna right now. I am torn between my religious upbringing (and all the "rules" I have set for myself because of that history), and my desire to break free from the patterns I followed during my 1st 40 years.

I don't know whether I have just warped the religion I grew up with, or if it truly has warped me, but I do know that some of the things I have learned from that religious upbringing affect me negatively when it comes to feeling good about myself. Whether it was the way it was taught, or the way I learned it, that is unclear to me, but it is almost impossible for me to seperate the "religion" from the "never good enough" feeling I have always had. It seems like the only time I feel like I am worthy of love, trust, etc., is when I stop caring about the "rules" set by that religion, and just live the way I think my Heavenly Father would like me to live. But somehow, I always get pulled back to the rigidity of that upbringing by the pressure of family, the promise of eternal happiness vs. earthly happiness, and my need for some kind of "belonging".

Don't get me wrong. I don't think there is anything necessarily wrong with what I was taught. I just have a hard time conforming to the mold they have set for me. I have never felt like a "Child of God" because I never felt like a child. I have a really hard time feeling like I am "good enough" to be an "Official" member.

I went through a period in my life when I did feel good enough, back when I belonged to a singles branch. I got my endowments and attended the temple weekly for a year and a half. Then I met my second husband, got married, fell into a deep depression, got divorced, and stopped attending church and the temple. As time went on, it got easier and easier not to renew my recommend, and before I knew it, 12 years had passed since I had set foot in the temple.

My brother and his wife are getting ready to be sealed to each other and to their 4 boys, and I would really love to be there to witness it. I have been following the "rules" for 4 years, and thought now would be a good time to renew my recommend. Not only to attend with my brother, but with my disability status, I have many days when I don't have a headache that I could go do temple work instead of sitting home bored. So, I went to my bishop, and he seemed very positive about me going to the temple until we got to a question that went something like..."Do you feel worthy to attend the temple?" I hesitated, and told him that I KNEW I was worthy, but couldn't honestly say I FELT worthy because I haven't felt worthy my whole life. He told me I need to come back when I FEEL worthy to go. I left his office feeling like I will never be able to go back to the temple.