I am trying very hard to keep the past in the past for the 2nd 40 years of my life, but sometimes, I get reminded so strongly of what has happened to influence who I am now that I find myself "living in the bathroom".
When I was young, my younger brother was a very angry child, and his anger was usually directed at me. I spent a lot of my life in the bathroom because it was one of the only doors that could lock him out and keep me safe. He would get "that look" in his eyes that meant I was in danger, and although I usually didn't even know what I had done to incur his wrath, I would make a mad dash for the bathroom while he either tried to catch me to beat me with his bare hands, headed for the kitchen to get a broom or knife, or headed for my room to destroy something I loved. If I was "lucky", I made it to the bathroom and got it closed and locked before he caught me, and if I was "really lucky", he would stay outside the door ranting and raving at me instead of going into my room. He would usually stay outside the door for 10 minutes to an hour, depending on how mad he was, then wander off. I would start yelling for my mother or one of my sisters to come let me know if it was safe to come out, and if it was, I would come out and wait for the next blow-up. While I was locked in there, I could hear my brothers and sisters playing, the tv on, the birds singing outside, etc., but I had to stay within the small walls of the bathroom so I could feel safe.
If it was my mother who came to the door, she would often ask the "logical" question, "What did you do to make him mad this time?" As a mother, I have uttered those words in various forms, so I know it wasn't necessarily meant to be a judgement, but I always heard, "If you were nicer, quieter, better, perfect, invisible, etc., he wouldn't get mad at you".
In school, I wasn't really part of any group. I wasn't smart enough to be a "brain" or coordinated enough to be a "jock". I tried smoking and alcohol, but didn't like them, so I didn't really fit in with the "partiers". I was raised LDS, but most of the LDS kids in my school treated me like I had the plague, so I didn't fit in with them either. I learned very early on, that if you didn't have a group to back you up, you better not do anything that might offend one of the groups. They would make your life miserable, and you would have no one to protect you. I was very good at being nice, quiet, good, perfect, & invisible around school.
I didn't have a lot of boyfriends, but the ones I had, I would have done ANYTHING to keep, so when they pressured me to have sex, I did. If they wanted to see other people, but still keep me on "retainer", I did. If they wanted to keep me a secret, and even talk about me like I was a piece of garbage in front of their friends, then tell me they loved me when we were alone, I was nice, I keep quiet, was good to them, was a perfect girlfriend, and was invisible. The real me practically ceased to exist at all.
When I moved back in with my parents after living with my grandparents for a couple years, everyone was already established in their own rooms, etc. I had to live like an overnight guest. I had one drawer in my sister's dresser, about 6 inches in the closet, and had to keep all my knick knacks etc. in boxes. I wasn't very nice about it. I was pretty vocal about how unfair it was. I was not good at being grateful for a roof over my head, and I was perfectly happy to let everyone know how unhappy I was. Yet, I seemed to be invisible to them.
Then I married a Satanist whose family didn't like me very much, and I used my old lessons again. I was the nicest, quietest, best, most invisible person I could be. That way I couldn't do anything wrong, say anything wrong, be in the wrong place, or make my husband upset. Even 19 years after our divorce, I am very nice, quiet, and as invisible as possible when it comes to him and his family.
I have been in and out of counseling most of my adult life, and one of the things I want to "fix" the most is my need to be perfect and invisible. I tell them I am tired of "living in the bathroom" and being afraid to stand up for myself when someone is treating me unfairly. I am tired of "the world" standing outside the door and telling me "if you had just been nicer, quieter, better, more perfect, or more invisible, the "bad guy" wouldn't have...." For once, I want to feel like the "bad guy" is the one locked in the bathroom, and I am free to wander off and play without the fear of getting hurt.
Most counselors do the 'verbal head pat', and tell me that it's possible if I just believe it, but my most recent one did something totally ?new? and ?unexpected? yesterday. She "shoved me in the bathroom and locked it from the outside".
She told me [there are people out there who are going to be aggressive to you or your kids, and you can't change them, you can only change yourself...you need to stay away from them if you can, or if you can't, you need to be nice to them, don't say anything to make them mad...if they get mad, even if it isn't your fault, tell them sorry...try to be as perfect as you can be all the time, and try not to be noticed by the people who are aggressive...if they do something to you like hit or hold you down, you need to think about what you did to make that happen so you can not do that again...there is nothing you can do to protect your kids, you can only teach them to be careful around people like this and if they get hurt, there is nothing you can do]
I left her office feeling so defeated. The other "professionals" I've gone to for help haven't been able to find the key to "get me out of the bathroom". Now she has added another lock.
Gosh, if I had only known all these years that all I had to do was be nicer, quieter, better, more perfect, and more invisible to be happy and safe, I would have tried it a long time ago!!!!
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